so a new blog has been requested ... so here it is ... the only news i have is my best friend is now an nationally registered emt thanks to the army!!  he did it in 6 weeks!  yay!  i'm so proud of him.

i'm employed again ... i'm not sure i like it but its a job.  (i'd rather be sitting at the station all day but hey ... that doesn't pay da bills!)

still working on the other thing i've been working on since july ... and the divorce that i've been working on since november ... argh!

anywho that's all for now!

Everyone in my family has asked me what I want for Christmas.  I don't know quite what to tell them.  I told my mom I wanted a raincoat as I don't have one.  I'm tired of getting wet when it rains and then freezing because my coat is soggy. 

So after much consideration (and it took a long time...) here's my wish list (not like I'll get any of it but it'll make me feel better!):

I would like a new car (i'm tired of sharing my mom's and looking at the Pathfinder rotting in my aunt's drive with my pretty firefighter plate on it because the engine decided to quit.  but i can't buy a new one because of the Pathfinder.  I can't trade it nor can I sell it because it is not worth what is owed, that and Rich is supposed to be getting it back.)

I would like (for once) my little girl's daddy to actually send her the presents for her birthday and christmas that he's promised for the last 2 years.  (Poor kid has been expecting the same Sailor Moon dvd's for that long!  I'm so tired of her being disappointed by him so he can help out his girlfriend, who's children are both old enough to hold jobs of their own btw, not to mention lie to his friends about the whole deal)

I would like to be able to buy presents for my family who have been so patient with everything in my life since they have been helping to support Kira since I stopped getting any help from her daddy in August.  If it weren't for my mom, Kira wouldn't have the clothes she wears to school (which she is now out growing) and she would only be getting 1/2 of the stuff in her stocking because my mom bought half the stuff.  (After I pay child care and put gas in the car and try to help with buying groceries there isn't but $5 or $10 left and I still have to pay my mom, my aunt and my attorney.  not to mention the bills that were removed from our credit management program without my consent.)

I would like to be able to have Christmas with my dad, my mom, my brother and his family and my two best friends (whom I love very much).

So you see why it took a long time for me to compile my list.  It is a very hard thing to ask for all of this.  As a matter of fact, I will admit that I am at this very moment in tears as I realize how depressing this sounds.  Years before I have always been able to give gifts but this year I am not and even though my mom understands, it hurts me deeply to not be able to give them the tokens of love so carefully chosen that they so desperately deserve.  How can you explain to children the lack of money and how things like that work?  So I have nothing for my nephew and my cousin either and I don't know what bothers me more.  Not having the means to give back to my mom and other family or to not be able to give gifts to the kids?

So, to all, I hope you have a wonderfully blessed holiday season and don't take for granted the things you have, even if your grandmother gives you a horrible sweater or you get an awful fruitcake. 

... and I don't mean the kind no one can remember in the morning.  I'm talkng about what you want out of life.  We all have dreams and what we do about them.  Do we watch as they slip through our fingers or do we take steps to follow them?  Do we dram big ony to be disappointed or do we have smaller dreams and goals to help us get to the bigger picture?

I have a few dreams that at least one person in my life had no interest in letting me pursue.  He didn't like it.  Why?  He was afraid I was going to be taken away from him, that I wouldn't come home.  So I let that dream go.  The next dream I had (and still have (I still have the other one but that's another paragraph!)) would have required more space and more funds than we had (or than what I have now!).  So for now it is also on hold.

I guess what I'm having problems with is having dreams and putting them on hold.  I don't like it.  I gave up one dream and at the time it seemed that I had no choice and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass.  Or rather the manner in which I exited the dream is going to bite me in the ass.

So, what are my dreams you ask?  Being a soldier, singing, creating ren costumes (or any costuming/clothes), writing, being a firefighter, being in front of a camera (what can i say i like dressing up and having my pic taken!) and being me.

As for being a firefighter ... yeah I'm doing that now.  I love it but being a minority (meaning female) I'm sure someone would have had a problem with it.  I do love it!  Sometimes, I can't think about anything else.  I crave knowledge, I want to be good at it.  I want to do something that helps people.  This is it!  I get a rush when the pager goes off and I can't really compare it to much else other than being a soldier.

Being a soldier was one of my greatest accomplishments.  I was proud of the uniform and  proud that I was serving my country.  I loved going out on exevals with the squadron how batt and kicking their ass.  It was great!  One of the best FTX's I've ever been on.  I was a soldier, not a just a female and my NCO told me I should apply to go to SEER school.  He'd been an instructor there and said I'd have done very well.  (Quite a compliment!)

As for singing ... I got the dirtiest looks when I'd sing along to the radio in the car and it hurt me a lot.  Did he ever realize that?  Probably not ... maybe he did and didn't care.  But that was the second thing I suppressed for the sake of a relationhip.  Sucked to be me.  I finally took this one back!  In Florida, I got to sing with the praise band at church and I was finally getting out of my fear of being in front of people.  I felt the power of God flowing through me as I sang every Sunday, leading his children in worship.  So, I decided that I would audition for American Idol season 5.  I flew up to Chicago and did it.  I didn't get passed the 1st round.  (The audition will be another blog entirely!)  But I went in knowing that it was testing the waters of my ability. I am still trying to reclaim this dream.  I don't sing here because I don't feel the same surge at the church I'm going to now.  It's just not in me to do it here.

As for sewing and designing... after almost 2years I closed my website.  About 6 months ago I gave up my ebay store.  I have decided to recenter and figure out what I'm going to do on that front.  I still have the dream but I lost focus on it.

Writing ... I do it all the time but I get sidetracked by life!  I'm still working on it.

Being in front of the camera ... well... this may seem awfully girly and anyone who knows me knows I am anything but girly!  If you've not noticed my profile pic ... glamour shots!  I had so much fun that day and so did Kira.  I would love for us to do something together like that again.

Being me ... ah sweet bloody Arkansas ... land of the snobby!  If you don't look like them your crap.  You can't have a peircing that's not "normal" and work here.  I was told my numerous people "you'll have to take out your piercing if you want to work here".  So I finally gave up my nose ring.  It was small and not noticeable but yet when people noticed it ... it became an issue.  Why?  Because I didn't look like everyone else that worked there.  I don't feel I can be how I am and be accepted.  Not here.  I like fishnet, corsets, kilts, cargo pants, and studded things.  I like shopping at Hot Topic.  I like things dark and gothic and punk.  What can I say?  This has been in me and is not a result of being near Seattle.  I just realised that it was okay for me to be how I am.  Now I am feeling a bit ... out?  No that's not it ... odd?  I just don't feel like I fit here.

My ultimate dream?  To be happy.  What's your ultimate dream?