Where she get these I'll never know but thanks again Ldr!!  :)

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Another Joke of the Day

A Firefighter comes home after a shift one evening and when his wife asked him how his day had gone, he proceeded to inform her of the new SOPs they had just adopted at the station.

The wife, listened but was rather unimpressed and continued to rattle around the kitchen while her husband went into great detail explaining the new standards to her, and finally noticing that she was not paying attention said to her

"those new standards are so effective I think we are going to enforce them here at home!"

 

This got the wifes attention and turning to him she said "and what pray tell might those be and WHEN do you figure we are going to start using this marvelous setup?"

 

The husband said "well its like this, starting tomorrow when I come in the door Im gonna yell 1 ALARM, you are going to strip down to nothing but a smile"

The wife nodded her acknowledgement.

"when I yell 2 alarms" said the husband continuing on with his new household SOPs, "you are gonna hightail it down the hall for the bedroom"

The wife nodded and uttered an UUUUHUH  to his comment

"and when I yell 3 Alarms you get on the bed and brace yourself for the ride of your life!" he concluded.

The wife again nodded in agreement to the husbands suggestion.

 

The next day after work, sure enough, in the door walked the intrepid husband and yelled "1st Alarm" to which the wife dropped what she was doing and promptly peeled off every single stitch of clothes she had on.

The husband grinned and yelled "2nd Alarm" and the wife went racing down the hallway to the bedroom with her husband in hot pursuit.

"3rd Alarm!!" and with that the wife dives into bed with her husband right behind her and they proceed to go at it like a pair of minks!

All of a sudden the wife yells "4th Alarm 4th Alarm!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The husband stops and looks at her and says "what the HELL is a 4th Alarm??????"

 

The wife looks at him and says "Radio dispatch for backup, you need more hose, yer NO WHERE NEAR the fire!"

 This has got to be one of the funniest effing things I have ever read!  Thanks to a friend for posting it to her blog!! 

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Joke of the Day (NO its notta nother idiot havin plastic surgery!)

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down  your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They  actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the  Rodeo comes
to town.

It  takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in  the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was  standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.  Screw those rednecks.

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

 

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to  wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take  note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is  covered with chilli,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell  over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of  
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?