I have wheels!!  YAY!  I am now the owner of a 1995 pontiac firebird.  Of course it's a standard shift!  Red too! 

 

Sunshine says "Oh great just what you need!"  But ya know I'm now 30, in the middle of a divorce and it's my first sports car!  Yay for me!

So, a ton of things clog my mind on a daily basis.  Tonight was no different with the worries.  But yet it was .. I've hd a fight with Sunshine and I don't know what to do.  He helps to calm my ragged thoughts and it's even worse when we don't talk. 

 

He helps to center me and I have a better night's sleep for it.

 

Can I honestly say that Sparky (the idiot i married) ever helped me there?  No.  From the day we started sleeping together I never had a good night's rest.  I rested and slept better when we were apart.  Was that a sign?  I had trouble sleeping when I moved to Florida when he went to Iraq but that was because I was dreading going back.  Well after I wrote him a long letter and unloaded everything I felt better.  I told him I wanetd a divorce then.  My world was so much lighter and I slept very well.

 

But, I never had the peaceful sleep that I had after dozing off in the presence of Sunshine.  Even if it was a short nap ... I was more rested than ever.  So, imagine when he went away that I started having a shite of a time sleeping.  I worried about him.  Letter days were good because I knew he was doing well and I slept.  Phone call days were even better because I got 2 minutes to hear his voice (which is like a soothing melody to me.  It relaxes me to hear him (strange?).)  Now that I get to talk to him everyday at least once my sleeping is better.  (It usually comes after lights out, so we carry on the tradition of saying good night ... we used to say good night to each other at  0700 when he got done work and I finished my route!)

 

Then we get to the nights we have disagreements and here I am at bloody 0055 hours typing thoughts out in to the net.  Coherent or not ... I tend to get thoughtful when I have a lack of sleep.

 

So, we've had a disagreement and I think he's angry with me 'cause I didn't get the usual phone call.  Maybe he's waiting or me?  I don't kno but it's hurting me physically as well as emotionally that we're having this disagreement.  He doesn't always let me in to where I think I should be when I've allowed him all access.

 

He's my best friend for cryin' out loud.  I miss him.

 

I got a pay raise so that's good.  One of my best friends is going to be going to my home state and I wish I was going too.  I wish so desperately that I was going too.  This will be an awfully long year.

 

After Saturday I will no longer own the Blazer.  Yay, I'll finally have wheels.  Someone willing to help me out to get a car ... more interested in me coming back tha getting a load of cash out of me.  (Which I don't have)

 

I've finally been able to pay my attorney something.  I set him up to be paid weekly so I don't have to worry about it.  Hopefully we can get this all over with before it's 10 years. 

 

Didn't picture my 30th year on this earth quite like it's going.  I never imagined I'd be getting a divorce.  I never imagined I'd be a single mom.  I had pictured being an E7 or E8 in the Army maybe in intell, maybe on a stage somewhere, or even having written a bestselling book.  But not this.  I pictured a loving, supporting man beside me who didn't laugh at me or make me feel 2 inches tall for wanting what I want, or make me feel stupid for wanting it either.

 

My best friend, doesn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid or 2 inches tall.  He supports me and thinks it's okay to want what I want as long as I'm willing to get it.  I have to push myself to go after it.  I know what the end goal is but I'm scared that it won't really be there.  So this really will be an awfully long year.  Painfully long.  I don't know if I can do it alone but for the sake of the end goal, I am willing to try as long as the prize at the end will still be there.