For any of you who are keeping up with myspace and the blog there I apologize for not reposting some of it here.  But as demonstrated by myspace ... I need to watch what I say and I'm not one to do that.  I write it as I feel it, no apologies. 

 

A friend tells me often, never apologize.  So I'm done with it especially when I don't realy mean it.

 

So, I have been spending tie with this firend of mine and it really bothers me.  Not the spending time, 'cause I really enjoy that.  I think it's the fact that I can't say anything to my family because I know it'll be WW 3 if I do.  This friend is great.  Visited me this morning and helped me out.  Sunshine, didn't have to but did very sweet.  kept me company and we had a great time!

 

Now to get the family to accept that Sunshine is okay and we're okay. 

 

So, to Sunshine from me, lots of hugs for being a great person!!  I'm very glad you are who you are!

 

Oh, and I will have that CD for you (hopefully) next time I see you!

I have cried today.  It seems like a silly thing to do.  But I was reading an article about one of the officers in a Stryker unit at Fort Lewis.  How he knew he was going to be a battalion commander some day. 

To know that is what you want out of life is an awesome thing.  He'll be returning to Iraq soon when the unit deploys back to the region.

I cried not because I know him (I don't) and not because he's going back.  I cried because I would give anything to be going too.

The incredibly stupid thing I did while in the Army was to give up because I was convinced that I had to.  Almost everyday I hate myself for it.  I gave up because my husband said it would be better to get medically boarded out.  I should have pushed for my doctor to do more to fix me but I didn't.  The first moment of weakness in my life and I fucking caved to the one person that should have pushed me harder to fight.  He knew all I really wanted to do was be a soldier.  The only place I have ever felt right, that I have ever fit in and I gave it up.  Tell me how that is right?

I wanted to be a soldier so badly that I signed up at 17 to be sure I could leave right after high school.  I told my dad if he didn't sign the papers I would just wait the six months until I turned 18 during my senior year.  So relucantly he gave me his blessing, went dow to the redruiters and signed the papers.  (My mom was already on board.)

I have considered reenlisting numerous times but the one thing really stopping me ... I was med boarded with a service connected disability, granted now it's fixed and I don't have to live on meds I can't go back or I will lose any chance of getting benefits should I qualify.  (This is what I was told by Louisiana VA (Veteran's Affairs)) If I were to decide that I wanted to reenlist my disability would become void.  Should I get injured again due to the origianl disability or not then any benefits would not be granted.

So, I screwed myself pretty much from the one thing I was really good at.  Now I'm stuck being kind of good at a lot of things but excelling in nothing.  I'm a fucking loser.

So, I'm sure I'll really be in trouble with this should my brother ever check this blog as I'm sure he'll figure this out.  Then he'll flip! 

There is no really good way to put it.  I actually would let myself get into trouble with this friend of mine. 

He knows a secret (or two) that I chose to share and I have not shared it with too many others.  Why did I share this knowledge?  I don't know.  I felt very comfortable with him to do so.  He's pretty adorable too.  So why do I put myself in places that will only be self destructive?  Is it in my nature?  Who knows. 

I've discovered in my life (as short as it is) that there are two types of trouble.  Good trouble and bad trouble.  "How can trouble be good?" you ask?  Just like this ...

 Bad trouble ... getting into a spot with the law, cheating, lying, doing things we all know are against the law ... those are all bad trouble.

 Good Trouble ... you should really be a consenting adult for this and take the appropriate precautions ... usually involves skin, lots of heavy breathing and could end with a really good (or bad depending on the individual you pick) ... massage.   I have found myself in these, ahem, positions/situations.  (Only to be foiled  )(don't be stupid, of course I'm a complete ANGEL!!  No really I am.  All my weirdness left the day I said "I do" 8 years, 8 months and 16 days ago.  Ya know... the histerical laughter I couldn't stop should have given me the effing hint!)

So, ways I could get in trouble with my friend ... hmm ... letting him know I've considered it.  (I'm so .... argh.  There are no words to discribe it...) (let me mention that we are both still legally married and if things change ... then maybe we'll find ourselves as something else ...)

Next time he comments I'm a freak ...  I will proudly say, "Yes, yes I am!"  Then run ...

So, I have another friend who leaves for the Middle East on Monday!   I've not seen him since 1997 and I'm very sad that I couldn't get to see him while he was in Texas for training.  We have a date for next year though.  We were supposed to go this year to the Texas Renaissance Festival but he's deploying so that's right out there.  We made plans to go next year after he gets back.  (By then a few things should have happened ... like me getting that divorce, losing a few pounds and having a job I love that allows me to be me!)  Yes, the potential for a hook up with him does exist.  But it's that whole I'm still legally married thing and since he's a soldier I don't want there to be anything to blemish his career.  (You know ... just because I'm that nice.)

Wow, y'all are gettin' a novella this morning.  Hehe.  This is what "Muffins with Mom" can do to a person!  I love my daughter's school and her teachers!

 

With that, good night!  I'm going to bed!

I'm sorry I've not been on here.  I have been bu I've been over at myspace.com.  You can find my blog for today there at http://blog.myspace.com/vashjinn or you can wait for me to cut and paste!