<a href="http://www.lpstreetteam.com/CDA5240F87574D8387EBDE8FEC733210/tracklink.asp?guid=4D0D8A8609954F25A404A8BDBC5F726A>Linkin Park Projekt Revolution Media Player</a>

 

Help me win the grand prize!  Click the above link everyday until 05 Sept 07! 

 

Did you know that in it's debut week "Minutes to Midnight" went #1 all over the world?!?  Sweet huh?

 

Check out Linkin Park at <a href ="http://www.linkinpark.com">Linkin Park.com</a>

 

Go there ... it's the weekend update of the Jerry Springer show!  I swear I was gonna post the emails myself but hey.  It makes for good reading.

The things I want in life ... not too much really.

 

I want Rich to finally help our child and pay support.  (He makes 13.00/ hour and no one knows where his money goes.  Yes, he makes more than I do.)

I want the man I love to see the hurt and disappointment that runs in my hurt because I'm not where I should be.

I want the job back that I sacrificed because I was stupid and listened to Rich.

I want my baby girl to have a good life,  I don't want to have to tell her no because I don't have the money.  (In 26 months I won't have to!)

I want to be happy with what I'm doing and where I'm going.

But mostly, I want the man I love, to be happy and to have my girl taken care of.

 

I'm working on getting the job back.  Say prayers, cast a spell ... whatever floats your boat.  I am pushing for a reevaluation.  I want back in the Army, one of the only places I actually felt I fit.  I have to try and push the second chance I've been given.  I have to finish what I started my way, not somebody else's.  It's time for me to try to take control of my life.  I'm going to use the pushy side of me.

So, here I sit alone, in the dark fighting hard not to cry.  Failing miserably I might add.

 

Why would I be doing this you might ask yourself.  Jay has gone and with him, my heart.  I love him so much that it tears me apart inside to be without him again when I built what I have on the promise that we would be together.  I have a job I hate because it's a temp job and I knew I could walk away when he came home.  (But it pays the bills and I have to be content with that since I can't be content with anything else)

 

He's going to be going to Iraq after he gets to his duty station.  (if things had gone the way they should have I'd be going too back on active duty.)  I probably won't get to physically see him for 2 years.  So I'm having difficulties with eating and sleeping.  (The sleeping part is caused by something else as well not just him)  I miss him so much already and half the time I feel sick.

 

We did a live burn today and I took pics.  I have awesome shots of the house in flames but all I could think about was how Jay would loved to have been there.  He'd have been engineer or safety officer I think.  He'd still have been my captain.  But I'd have him with me.

 

I guess that is what I'm going to miss the most.  Having him close.

 

We tend to take for granted the proximity of the ones we love.  Only when they aren't close do we realize that our lives aren't as full or complete. 

 

I was so happy to know that I was going to get to see him.  I think one of the most happy moments to date in my life.  I felt like I was walking on clouds.  With him I felt whole again.  I felt as if my soul would live to see another day.

 

Now there is the emptiness and incomplete feeling again.  He's gone.  What will I do if he doesn't come back from Iraq?  I have to believe that he will.  And I do.  Deep down I know he'll come home to me.  But I can still be scared.

I have decided something today.  I'm going to have my purple hair back.  I'm going to get my nose re-pierced, I'm gonna get on my attorney and get this shit over with and I'm gonna poke someone a little more.  (Since I'm no fun to be around like I am now.)

 

I'm no fun to be around?  Fuck everyone.  I'm done being nice.  I'm done being what everyone else wants me to be.  If it gets me kicked out ... the station has a shower and comfy couch.

 

I love my girl but before I can be happy I need to get the hell out of here.  So I will be looking elsewhere.  I know my brother and sister in law will be disappointed should I leave but I have to be happy.  I can't go on pretending anymore.

 

Oh and another thing I decided today ... Sunshine ... I am 100 % madly in love with him.  Yup.  I've never felt the passion and friendship with anyone else that I feel with him.  His name is Jay.  I met him through the department.  I want all the somedays we talked about.  I want the life and dream we talked about.  I want to take it slowly and be sure that he's it.  I have the love and respect.  I have a ring he gave me, which he placed on my left ring finger.  It's a claddagh ring, which to him is part of his bloodline.  I can't claim it being scottish, english and german.  But it still means so much to me.  The love in his eyes when he put it there ... made me feel like I was the only one in the whole world.  I'd never felt like that, not even on my wedding day to my soon to be ex.  We do have our arguments ... what people don't?  But we work it out.  We don't throw things, we don't ignore the situation, we talk.

 

I am so lost without him.  I feel so safe and strong in his company, like I can do anything and you know what?  He encourages me to do what I love! 

 

 He loves my little girl and would do anything for us.

 

I'll miss him when he leaves again.

 

There.   I have said it.  I love Jay.

This is a question that I ask myself on a regular basis.  Well ... I know what I like.  I know what I love and I know what I want but none of those things seem to be in my grasp.

 

I want to be free to openly express how I feel about my sunshine but owing to certain circumstances I am unable to.  He makes me very happy usually.  I want to not be in this city anymore.  I hate that I can't have my nose pierced or my hair colored purple.  I want to be far away from here.  I started really hating this place when i was told in order to work I'd have to give up these things.  Then Sunshine went away and the one person who accepted me and loved me for what I was, was gone.  I really hated the place now.

 

Don't get me wrong ... I love the department but I can't run all the calls I used to be able to run and yes, it upsets me.

 

I lived all my life trying to please everyone that when I find what I want and what pleases me ... it makes people mad.  It pisses them off and otherwise makes my life a fucking hell to live through.  The stress and strain is too much because I have a child I have to look out for too.

 

I had to tell her no the other day.  No to what you ask?  She wants piano lessons, karate, and to do gymnastics.  I was going to sign her up for the latter and I just haven't got the extra money with the car payment added to my list of bills.  I had the form all filled out too.

 

What I want, something that would make me happy ... working form home sewing costumes and such able to run any call that comes along.  Oh yeah can I say that it would please me greatly to be able to openly love Sunshine?  I won't be able to get any of that here.  Here I have to work a job I don't like to make money that I need.

 

So ... how to make yourself happy?