I don't know what to call this exactly but I guess it would be a confession?  Okay maybe not.  I'm looking at myself and trying to decide what I want in my life.

I have figured out that I am a freak.  I don't feel like I fit again.  I don't know what to think or do.  All I know is that I have this pent up sex drive.  It's waiting just beneath the surface and I can't really do much about it.  I've been exploring things that I've contemplated but never had the guts to do.  Now don't get me wrong, I have been discussing and researching.  I do that because I have to know.  I crave knowledge about all things, especially my mad scientist (aka the evil elf I know).

We talk about things and damn.  I wish I could have it all right now.  But this is an exercise in patience.  I want him and the things he offers to me.  Why?  I never got to explore sex.  Not really.  My ex rarely ever initiated and I was always on top even when I could be.  I married too young but that it way beside the point.  We never did anything different than reverse missionary.  Drove me crazy.  We never used toys and I want to enjoy that aspect to have variety in the bedroom (or where ever I happen to be with the elf when it's time.)

But there are fantasies out there that have always been deemed evil or disturbing.  My evil elf and I have had some great conversations about them.  I have discovered that it's okay to think and feel the way I do about sex.  But I still have to carry on being responsible.  I will have to see what hanging with him will get me.  I have a feeling it will get me a lot of sex.