I have to admit ... my girl is just precious.  Yeah I’m biased but she has a wish that I know she thinks of alot.  Probably more than I realize.  She wants Jay to come home from the Army.  She misses him as much as I do.  She tells me sometimes when it’s bedtime that she wishes he were here, that she loves him and misses him.  The look on her face is enough to make me want to cry.  I tell her he’s at work like Daddy was at work.  But what worked for a 3 year old does not work now that she’s 7.  She doesn’t want to be a soldier like her mommy and Jay, or like her dad was, because she doesn’t want to go to war. 

I may not like the fact that my best friend is there (I’m being selfish for so many reasons) but he knew what he was getting into and I give him my full support.  I am very proud of him.  So is Kira but that doesn’t make her not wish he was here.  She misses getting wrestled with or tickled or flung around on the couch at the station.  I miss seeing them play together because sometimes Jay was just a little kid inside an adult body.

So, I too wish that Jay was here.  I miss him and even though the firehouse is full, it’s still kinda empty without him.  His presence is always larger than life and usually that was enough.  The times I miss him the most?  Everyday.  When I have something to tell him or I just want someone to cheer me up.

So, Kira’s wish for Jay is that he comes home from the Army.  My wish?  That he comes home safely in whatever manner he was intended to.

 

 

 

I am sitting here enjoying the snow falling.  Yes, that's right the snow.  After so many promised days of snow we actually have snow that's sticking to the ground.  (And about 2 inches of that was on my car!  *grumbles*)  Well, not condusive to taking a young 'un to school.  Yeah they had school.  Good thing it's earlier rather than now because now ... the snow is sticking to the street.  The firebird handled well this morning.  I know my low track works (ya, for anyone who knows my car that is a frelling shock!) but I would not have taken Kira out if there had been snow on the road.  Makes me miss the POS Pathfinder and the ass warmers with 4WD.

But it is peaceful.  Wish I could share it with Jay but he's only seeing a shitload of sand right now.  I'll have to send pictures.  Yup got some this morning but will take more in a few.

The only thing I"ve ever really liked about snow ... is how peaceful and calm everything is.  Like everything is perfect and in harmony.  Oh and the perfect chance to snuggle up with your someone special.

I'm not sure what would be going on if Jay were here but I know that my department has already had one MVA this morning due to weather.  A single vehicle rollover.  It was station 2's call and I must say ... 407 was a wee bit excited.  I think because he either saw it or came across it on his way to work.

I still can't believe that Little Rock is finally getting snow!!

 

You know when you hear a song and it makes you cry?  Well, there are very few songs that make me cry.  I don't really cry easily.  But music moves my soul.  It breaths life, it can turn a mood it can push and pull.  But it is always there.  It is a friend, a companion.  It won't make you feel bad about yourself unless the feeling is already in your subconscious mind.  It won't shout at you and make you feel infurior.

If you're lucky it'll carry you away, make you forget for a while that your life sucks again.  But other times, alot for me, it'll remind me of friends I haven't seen, friends that are far away, people that I love and have left the world and the people I love.  Yes, the people that I love is listed twice.

There are a couple of songs that remind me of my grandparents.  (I have one living grandparent and I don't see her often enough.)  The emotions I felt when they passed away and how much I miss them now, are still harsh and raw.  I don't know if they'll ever go away.

There are songs that remind me of two of my best friends in the world.  My missing them is brought to the surface and stings daily.  One of them ... I know where she is & I know that she is safe.  The other ... I have a vague idea and he is in harms way daily.  The one thing that these friends had in common was the way we used music.

Music was an expression.  We shared it in our lives and honestly, they both supported me and my craziness.  I like to sing and I sing loud.  I don't sing in my range usually because Opera really (while it is good ...) just isn't something I listen to regularly anymore.  (Yeah roll your eyes!  I listened to it in high school! I was a Soprano at some point in my life & if coached I could be there again! :-p)  That and I gave up trying to perfect the rafter portion years ago.  So I sing along to rock songs by bands like Linkin Park, Green Day and Good Charlotte.  Or even the country queen Reba.  Lately it's been Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana.  (After all I do have a 7 year old that loves music too.)

But lately there are two songs that make me cry and move me in the first eight bars.  Tim McGraw's "If You're Reading This" and Sugarland's "Stay".  Both remind me of my best friend that is so far away.  The music moves my soul so that I can't help but cry.  I can't get through them.  McGraw does so well on that song.  I understand the meaning behind it having served.  I fear the meaning behind it as well.  I don't want to get that letter.  I have a lot of friends in the service still and they all mean a lot to me.  But this one ... he knows more about me, how I am, why I am and he accepted me as a friend without judegment.  I miss that about him.

As for Sugarland's "Stay", if all of you refer back to the song in the previous blog ... those of you who know me and my Sunshine will understand the song.  It greatly expresses my frustration.  Sadly nothing can be done until he gets back from Iraq.  Is it wrong of me to have asked him to help me secure the custody of my child so I can go back into active service?  We want to be married anyway.  I just asked him to help me get there sooner rather than later.  I read an article where ar soldier deployed and her ex can in and got custody of her kid (even though she was remarried and she'd left the child in the custody of her husband) just a few days before she deployed.  She tried to regain custody upon return and the judge said no.  I don't want that to happen to me and my mom have to fight a mess.

My deal with my ex would be  ... as long as he doesn't pursue custody while I'm gone, when I get back he can drop the child support as long as he signs over his rights to her.  That way my Sunshine would be free to adopt her as he has expressed the desire to do so when we are finally married.  His opinion of my ex and his treatment of my Bug isn't very high.  (but anyway off topic ...)

We both love music.  We share it, we'd sing random songs that meant something to us. 

Music will continue to feed my soul.  Music will continue to be everywhere.  Music will be here long after I am gone. 

I hope some of this made sense to someone.  If not oh well.  It makes me feel better anyway!

One of the best songs ever.  It speaks to me.  One of the few songs that can make me cry in the first eight bars.  Pop over to myspace as it is playing there as well.

Sugarland - Stay
 
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I tested for the LRFD.  The written  test was Friday ... I missed a day of work to take the test.  Which was okay because I really didn't want to drag my ass out of bed after being up most of the night at Barnes & Noble for the Harry Potter Midnight Magic party   (Yes, I've read it.  It's awesome!  I'm on my second time through.)  Okay ... now I'm waiting for the reults. 

 

I found out that MEMS (the local  meat wagon .... I mean ambulance service) is doing a rookie class and soon.  I put my rookie school packet in ages ago!  So where the hell is my phone call?!?  The pay sucks but I'd be doing something I like.

 

My final hearing is on Monday.  I need a witness and i haven't got one.  I have plenty of folks who could do it but no one to watch the kid and be with me.  Without one I'm screwed.  Especially if the toad shows up.  Which I've heard he might. try to be.  Hopefully he won't be there.  He thinks it's Wednesday.

 

So, because I missed a day of work the check was short a day and now I haven't hte money to pay the car insurance, the car payment, the cell bill or the cable, phone and internet.  I didn't have the money to pay all that before but now I'm really screwed. 

 

I am really missing the paycheck I had 8 years ago.  All I had to do was pass a PT test and follow orders. and I was making probably double what I make now a month.  Why did I get out again?  Oh yeah I was becoming a spineless git.  Well ... that goes to show me that I should have followed my dreams instead of listening to the idiot I married.

 

So if anyone has vacation time ... I have a couch ... I need a kid sitter and a witness!  Feel free to email me for further details!

 

Isn't it great when you can read the positive stuff too?  It's things like this that make me proud to have been a soldier!  (As soon as I get the scanner working you'll see pics of me in uniform!)

Something that has been bugging me a lot lately ... my list of pet peeves. It seems as I've gotten older that they annoy me more. So if you can relate here are just some of my pet peeves (not necessarily the top ten but #1 is the biggest!) ...

10. People who don't move for flashing lights (red or blue)

9. People who can't see over the steering wheel.

8. People who change lanes without being nice enough to use their blinkers.

7. People who don't use their blinkers at all.

6. People who use both hands to talk on the cell phone, while driving. (They make me very nervous ... which hand is on the wheel?!?)

(Please note: most of them are related to driving! People in Arkansas can be nice but driving habits are awful! (no offense Amy. you don't fall into this catagory thankfully) There are a large number of Arkansasans (sp?!?) that are really scary to be driving!)

5. Bad grammar.

4. People who stare at me for no reason, like I've sprouted horns. (Those darn things are just supposed to be covered by my hair to hold up the halo!! Now, if it's followed by phrases like ... "You're hot" or "Wow, your beauty blinded me for a moment" then that's okay! )

3. People who treat others like they are garbage.

2. People who treat children (and other adults) like they are stupid and have no mind of their own.

1. People who use their kids as leverage.

"What do I mean by number one," you ask? Well, I am trying very hard to shield my very bright and intelligent 6 year old from the mean things I say about her daddy when I am angry. I endeavour to keep her from the war that could be coming over who gets to have sole custody. I think it will get very ugly. I have not tried to use her against him in any fashion, I try to be nice and I try to remember to have her call him when she should. (Hard when all I have is his CommuniKate number.)

Never once have I thrown it in his face to hurt him or cause any other mental anguish, especially when he was deployed to Iraq. To do so would be wrong. It would be using my child as leverage. He has nothing really that I want. Granted he probably makes more money than I do, but we're handling it in a legal court system. She will not attend the final hearing. She will be further shielded from the harshness that could go on. She'll be allowed to form her own opinions of her father at some point later in life and be happy knowing that I've not used her in any way to harm him mentally. (I've heard he's already losing his marbles (at least according to the Army) we don't need to cause anymore of that.)

I may be an evil bitch at times but I do have an ounce of compassion deep down somewhere in my toes.

I couldn't sleep again and I've been wondering about the term soulmate. How do you know when you've found that person? I thought, once upon a time, that I'd found mine. Do we really know? You never have more than one. My grandparents were soulmates. They loved each other with such great passion until the end of their days that I only hope I can have that too. So here's what I found:

Soulmate (or soul mate) is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility.

A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.

However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations; they are sometimes used simply as an expression of strong emotional feeling for someone.

Well, this past week or two has seen a bit more drama.  A  friend that has deployed ... the drama in his life... all caused by this psycho bitch he married.  She's starting stuff becasue she can't stand to be out of the spotlight.  It has come to our attention that she is a pathalogical liar.  Hr story changes on a daily basis.  we've all told her to back off and let him be so he can come home to his kids alive rather than in a box but she doesn't listen!  And to top it off she still calls herself a veteran even though she didn't finish basic training.   Yes, no end of aggrivation for me there,

 

Anywho, I got the sensor I need for my car and I am hoping to get to fix it today.  My brother was rather cranky yesterday and I didn't want to ask him or he'd never have said yes.  So I'll try it on my own first and then call in the appropriate tools!  That's what big brothers are for isn't it?!?

 

Oh and in another surprise ... the city is testing to hire 3 firefighters.  I will be joining the crowd on 20 July 2007.  I figure why the hell not.  I'm not going anywhere and the starting salary will be great!!  Besdies ... it would be awesome to earn the right to be hired and work my way up to chief! ;)   The city has a female fire chief at the moment and I would love to meet her.  But I hear she got there as the token female.  Don't know as I"ve never met her (as previously mentioned.).  It was coming from a male, so who knows!

 

That's all for now!