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Jade's Whatnots(something witty escapes me...... sorry kids)
January 04 Today ... a sad day indeedfor I turned another year older. That's right I had a birthday. In 45 minutes it'll be over. Thankfully. The year has not started out very well. Mom discovered (what we feared all along really) that we have a suspected water leak in the front yard (and that was just yeaterday!). Today, baking my cookie ... well not her fault really. The stove doesn't sit level. (Can you see where this is going?) The cookie dough spilled over as it was baking. It ignited. And me, the firefighter, without a fire extinguisher! Mom threw baking soda on it to somther the flames. This was at 1300 or so. The family was going to be here at 1530 for dinner. We had to open the doors and the windows, light candles and run the hood fan at full blast to try to clear the smell out. Didn't set the smoke detector off though! Then ... my granmother didn't call, my father didn't call (although it's been a long time so I dont expect him to), my aunt and uncle couldn't make it, and my two best friends don't call. One ... I suppose ... he remembered the last two years. He called me from AIT and he called me from Iraq. But this year? I guess it only hurts this much because I love him. I hope he knows that it hurts and I hope he does know I love him. Love ya, babe. July 20 My life so farSo how's my effing luck? I miss my best friend, I miss my kid (not
necessarily in that order.) and I'm getting sick of watching my
roommate and her boytoy slobbering all over each other. I've told her
it's very depressing to watch and she must have thought I was freaking
kidding. I'm not. Well ... as for my luck ... I seem to pick up guys that have issues with women. I met this guy here and I thought to myself ... (heh heh) he's a former marine and he's a lot like my best friend. He's got the most awesome eyes ever ... I am so jealous of them. They are blue, yet not. But they are always "clear". I really liked him and liked to spend time with him. But apparently I was getting too attached as I got pissed off when he canceled plans on me at the last minute and went out with someone else. Uh dur hello? Of course I'm going to be mad. I had made all my plans around the opportunity to hang out with someone I could have good and intelligent conversation with. The conversation never turned into an all about him fest. So, now I'm stuck. I know his issues and I'm okay with them. But my frelling OCD is kicking in. I have to fix whatever broke. Oh wait I was honest with him is what it was. I think the big bad tough marine started to crack and I was getting too close. I can't get him to tell me as he has stopped talking to me. So, I'm stuck with nothing really to do. I haven't alot of friends here and the ones I did have are all running on their own thing. I was so depressed over the deal yesterday I spent most of the day crying. Yup these classes are awesome. I now know a lot about things that I experienced for a long time and it sucks. Anyway. So I miss the friend that I had and I know I always fuck things up. So that's my luck. It sucks. I liked it here alright but now it's getting really rough. I miss my baby girl, I miss my best friends, I miss my boys at the department. I miss running calls and I really miss my baby girl. April 29 Why should I bother?Just when I thought my life was going well ... it suddenly turns to shit. So why do I bother at all? I'm going to the school I want, finally but why should I bother trying to fix my life? The plan I laid out to make certain other plans happen means nothing without the end goal. When will the end goal be reinstated? Who knows. Does it hurt? Every second. I can't be alone without breaking down into tears.
The feeling of finally feeling whole and unbroken has disolved. I think it was just illusion to begin with. I think I am destined to be a lonely, broken woman. My bug doesn't need to see me that way all the time. I need to her to be happy, healthy and whole. I don't want my life to be hers. I want so much for her but I can't be there.
So thanks to the people I talked to that I thought I could trust because someone else told me they could be trusted.
Everyone can just forget me. No, I won't be fine. Nothing wil ever be okay again. March 31 The wish of a child
I have to admit ... my girl is just precious. Yeah I’m biased but she has a wish that I know she thinks of alot. Probably more than I realize. She wants Jay to come home from the Army. She misses him as much as I do. She tells me sometimes when it’s bedtime that she wishes he were here, that she loves him and misses him. The look on her face is enough to make me want to cry. I tell her he’s at work like Daddy was at work. But what worked for a 3 year old does not work now that she’s 7. She doesn’t want to be a soldier like her mommy and Jay, or like her dad was, because she doesn’t want to go to war. I may not like the fact that my best friend is there (I’m being selfish for so many reasons) but he knew what he was getting into and I give him my full support. I am very proud of him. So is Kira but that doesn’t make her not wish he was here. She misses getting wrestled with or tickled or flung around on the couch at the station. I miss seeing them play together because sometimes Jay was just a little kid inside an adult body. So, I too wish that Jay was here. I miss him and even though the firehouse is full, it’s still kinda empty without him. His presence is always larger than life and usually that was enough. The times I miss him the most? Everyday. When I have something to tell him or I just want someone to cheer me up. So, Kira’s wish for Jay is that he comes home from the Army. My wish? That he comes home safely in whatever manner he was intended to. March 20 What to do ...My sunshine ... Jay, is in Iraq. I am more worried about him now than ever. The last text message I got was I miss me. I don't know what happened last night but I'd like to know. I want to help him. It's in my nature to help. (Gee ... cobmat medic ... firefighter ... see the pattern?)
I cried at work today because it is always emotional to "talk" to him. I never know what I'm going to say or if I've upset him. I want him to come back and I want him whole and sane but if I get him back broken, hurting and slightly mental that's okay. I can deal with that. That we can fix over time. Hey that's what I want to do when I grow up. I want to work with soldiers and help them heal.
I miss him so much. I don't know how to express that other than telling him 20 times a day and that's a bit much. I guess that I will have to wait until he can call me.
March 04 It’s the peaceful quiet of snow ...I am sitting here enjoying the snow falling. Yes, that's right the snow. After so many promised days of snow we actually have snow that's sticking to the ground. (And about 2 inches of that was on my car! *grumbles*) Well, not condusive to taking a young 'un to school. Yeah they had school. Good thing it's earlier rather than now because now ... the snow is sticking to the street. The firebird handled well this morning. I know my low track works (ya, for anyone who knows my car that is a frelling shock!) but I would not have taken Kira out if there had been snow on the road. Makes me miss the POS Pathfinder and the ass warmers with 4WD. But it is peaceful. Wish I could share it with Jay but he's only seeing a shitload of sand right now. I'll have to send pictures. Yup got some this morning but will take more in a few. The only thing I"ve ever really liked about snow ... is how peaceful and calm everything is. Like everything is perfect and in harmony. Oh and the perfect chance to snuggle up with your someone special. I'm not sure what would be going on if Jay were here but I know that my department has already had one MVA this morning due to weather. A single vehicle rollover. It was station 2's call and I must say ... 407 was a wee bit excited. I think because he either saw it or came across it on his way to work. I still can't believe that Little Rock is finally getting snow!! February 22 FinallyI finally have the internet back. So my morning consists of checking the Fallen Warriors page at Fort Drum to make sure Jay's name isn't on it. He's worrying me now. I haven't heard from him since the 10th and other folks have. We have a lot of issues and I need t o know that e are still okay.
I miss him. |
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