Jade's Whatnots

I have to admit ... my girl is just precious.  Yeah I’m biased but she has a wish that I know she thinks of alot.  Probably more than I realize.  She wants Jay to come home from the Army.  She misses him as much as I do.  She tells me sometimes when it’s bedtime that she wishes he were here, that she loves him and misses him.  The look on her face is enough to make me want to cry.  I tell her he’s at work like Daddy was at work.  But what worked for a 3 year old does not work now that she’s 7.  She doesn’t want to be a soldier like her mommy and Jay, or like her dad was, because she doesn’t want to go to war. 

I may not like the fact that my best friend is there (I’m being selfish for so many reasons) but he knew what he was getting into and I give him my full support.  I am very proud of him.  So is Kira but that doesn’t make her not wish he was here.  She misses getting wrestled with or tickled or flung around on the couch at the station.  I miss seeing them play together because sometimes Jay was just a little kid inside an adult body.

So, I too wish that Jay was here.  I miss him and even though the firehouse is full, it’s still kinda empty without him.  His presence is always larger than life and usually that was enough.  The times I miss him the most?  Everyday.  When I have something to tell him or I just want someone to cheer me up.

So, Kira’s wish for Jay is that he comes home from the Army.  My wish?  That he comes home safely in whatever manner he was intended to.

I am sitting here enjoying the snow falling.  Yes, that's right the snow.  After so many promised days of snow we actually have snow that's sticking to the ground.  (And about 2 inches of that was on my car!  *grumbles*)  Well, not condusive to taking a young 'un to school.  Yeah they had school.  Good thing it's earlier rather than now because now ... the snow is sticking to the street.  The firebird handled well this morning.  I know my low track works (ya, for anyone who knows my car that is a frelling shock!) but I would not have taken Kira out if there had been snow on the road.  Makes me miss the POS Pathfinder and the ass warmers with 4WD.

But it is peaceful.  Wish I could share it with Jay but he's only seeing a shitload of sand right now.  I'll have to send pictures.  Yup got some this morning but will take more in a few.

The only thing I"ve ever really liked about snow ... is how peaceful and calm everything is.  Like everything is perfect and in harmony.  Oh and the perfect chance to snuggle up with your someone special.

I'm not sure what would be going on if Jay were here but I know that my department has already had one MVA this morning due to weather.  A single vehicle rollover.  It was station 2's call and I must say ... 407 was a wee bit excited.  I think because he either saw it or came across it on his way to work.

I still can't believe that Little Rock is finally getting snow!!

You know when you hear a song and it makes you cry?  Well, there are very few songs that make me cry.  I don't really cry easily.  But music moves my soul.  It breaths life, it can turn a mood it can push and pull.  But it is always there.  It is a friend, a companion.  It won't make you feel bad about yourself unless the feeling is already in your subconscious mind.  It won't shout at you and make you feel infurior.

If you're lucky it'll carry you away, make you forget for a while that your life sucks again.  But other times, alot for me, it'll remind me of friends I haven't seen, friends that are far away, people that I love and have left the world and the people I love.  Yes, the people that I love is listed twice.

There are a couple of songs that remind me of my grandparents.  (I have one living grandparent and I don't see her often enough.)  The emotions I felt when they passed away and how much I miss them now, are still harsh and raw.  I don't know if they'll ever go away.

There are songs that remind me of two of my best friends in the world.  My missing them is brought to the surface and stings daily.  One of them ... I know where she is & I know that she is safe.  The other ... I have a vague idea and he is in harms way daily.  The one thing that these friends had in common was the way we used music.

Music was an expression.  We shared it in our lives and honestly, they both supported me and my craziness.  I like to sing and I sing loud.  I don't sing in my range usually because Opera really (while it is good ...) just isn't something I listen to regularly anymore.  (Yeah roll your eyes!  I listened to it in high school! I was a Soprano at some point in my life & if coached I could be there again! :-p)  That and I gave up trying to perfect the rafter portion years ago.  So I sing along to rock songs by bands like Linkin Park, Green Day and Good Charlotte.  Or even the country queen Reba.  Lately it's been Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana.  (After all I do have a 7 year old that loves music too.)

But lately there are two songs that make me cry and move me in the first eight bars.  Tim McGraw's "If You're Reading This" and Sugarland's "Stay".  Both remind me of my best friend that is so far away.  The music moves my soul so that I can't help but cry.  I can't get through them.  McGraw does so well on that song.  I understand the meaning behind it having served.  I fear the meaning behind it as well.  I don't want to get that letter.  I have a lot of friends in the service still and they all mean a lot to me.  But this one ... he knows more about me, how I am, why I am and he accepted me as a friend without judegment.  I miss that about him.

As for Sugarland's "Stay", if all of you refer back to the song in the previous blog ... those of you who know me and my Sunshine will understand the song.  It greatly expresses my frustration.  Sadly nothing can be done until he gets back from Iraq.  Is it wrong of me to have asked him to help me secure the custody of my child so I can go back into active service?  We want to be married anyway.  I just asked him to help me get there sooner rather than later.  I read an article where ar soldier deployed and her ex can in and got custody of her kid (even though she was remarried and she'd left the child in the custody of her husband) just a few days before she deployed.  She tried to regain custody upon return and the judge said no.  I don't want that to happen to me and my mom have to fight a mess.

My deal with my ex would be  ... as long as he doesn't pursue custody while I'm gone, when I get back he can drop the child support as long as he signs over his rights to her.  That way my Sunshine would be free to adopt her as he has expressed the desire to do so when we are finally married.  His opinion of my ex and his treatment of my Bug isn't very high.  (but anyway off topic ...)

We both love music.  We share it, we'd sing random songs that meant something to us. 

Music will continue to feed my soul.  Music will continue to be everywhere.  Music will be here long after I am gone. 

I hope some of this made sense to someone.  If not oh well.  It makes me feel better anyway!