Jade 的个人资料Jade's Whatnots照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
|
Jade's Whatnots(something witty escapes me...... sorry kids)
10月24日 Confusion ... and the reason for the confusion ... a bloody guy. yeah men ... the whole lot are nothing but trouble!  10月3日 It's not really 1131AM So, here I sit. I admit this is not really that bad, probably because this feels more like walking around a college campus just 90 percent of us have weapons. They claim it's just like garrison. WTF? Then let us go without weapons. Let us drink a little and have civies. This is "garrison" after all. Damn, we have to salute in a combat zone. I don't even remember saluting in Bosnia and that was a peacekeeping NATO mission. If you don't count the IDF attacks ... Tuzla was more dangerous with the UXO all over the effing place. This? Not what I had been told it was like at all. Mixed feelings if this shoould be okay with me or if it should bother me. I am a bit messed up after all ... 7月17日 ... I don't know what to call this exactly but I guess it would be a confession? Okay maybe not. I'm looking at myself and trying to decide what I want in my life. I have figured out that I am a freak. I don't feel like I fit again. I don't know what to think or do. All I know is that I have this pent up sex drive. It's waiting just beneath the surface and I can't really do much about it. I've been exploring things that I've contemplated but never had the guts to do. Now don't get me wrong, I have been discussing and researching. I do that because I have to know. I crave knowledge about all things, especially my mad scientist (aka the evil elf I know). We talk about things and damn. I wish I could have it all right now. But this is an exercise in patience. I want him and the things he offers to me. Why? I never got to explore sex. Not really. My ex rarely ever initiated and I was always on top even when I could be. I married too young but that it way beside the point. We never did anything different than reverse missionary. Drove me crazy. We never used toys and I want to enjoy that aspect to have variety in the bedroom (or where ever I happen to be with the elf when it's time.) But there are fantasies out there that have always been deemed evil or disturbing. My evil elf and I have had some great conversations about them. I have discovered that it's okay to think and feel the way I do about sex. But I still have to carry on being responsible. I will have to see what hanging with him will get me. I have a feeling it will get me a lot of sex. 1月4日 Today ... a sad day indeedfor I turned another year older. That's right I had a birthday. In 45 minutes it'll be over. Thankfully. The year has not started out very well. Mom discovered (what we feared all along really) that we have a suspected water leak in the front yard (and that was just yeaterday!). Today, baking my cookie ... well not her fault really. The stove doesn't sit level. (Can you see where this is going?) The cookie dough spilled over as it was baking. It ignited. And me, the firefighter, without a fire extinguisher! Mom threw baking soda on it to somther the flames. This was at 1300 or so. The family was going to be here at 1530 for dinner. We had to open the doors and the windows, light candles and run the hood fan at full blast to try to clear the smell out. Didn't set the smoke detector off though! Then ... my granmother didn't call, my father didn't call (although it's been a long time so I dont expect him to), my aunt and uncle couldn't make it, and my two best friends don't call. One ... I suppose ... he remembered the last two years. He called me from AIT and he called me from Iraq. But this year? I guess it only hurts this much because I love him. I hope he knows that it hurts and I hope he does know I love him. Love ya, babe. 7月20日 My life so farSo how's my effing luck? I miss my best friend, I miss my kid (not
necessarily in that order.) and I'm getting sick of watching my
roommate and her boytoy slobbering all over each other. I've told her
it's very depressing to watch and she must have thought I was freaking
kidding. I'm not. Well ... as for my luck ... I seem to pick up guys that have issues with women. I met this guy here and I thought to myself ... (heh heh) he's a former marine and he's a lot like my best friend. He's got the most awesome eyes ever ... I am so jealous of them. They are blue, yet not. But they are always "clear". I really liked him and liked to spend time with him. But apparently I was getting too attached as I got pissed off when he canceled plans on me at the last minute and went out with someone else. Uh dur hello? Of course I'm going to be mad. I had made all my plans around the opportunity to hang out with someone I could have good and intelligent conversation with. The conversation never turned into an all about him fest. So, now I'm stuck. I know his issues and I'm okay with them. But my frelling OCD is kicking in. I have to fix whatever broke. Oh wait I was honest with him is what it was. I think the big bad tough marine started to crack and I was getting too close. I can't get him to tell me as he has stopped talking to me. So, I'm stuck with nothing really to do. I haven't alot of friends here and the ones I did have are all running on their own thing. I was so depressed over the deal yesterday I spent most of the day crying. Yup these classes are awesome. I now know a lot about things that I experienced for a long time and it sucks. Anyway. So I miss the friend that I had and I know I always fuck things up. So that's my luck. It sucks. I liked it here alright but now it's getting really rough. I miss my baby girl, I miss my best friends, I miss my boys at the department. I miss running calls and I really miss my baby girl. 4月29日 Why should I bother?Just when I thought my life was going well ... it suddenly turns to shit. So why do I bother at all? I'm going to the school I want, finally but why should I bother trying to fix my life? The plan I laid out to make certain other plans happen means nothing without the end goal. When will the end goal be reinstated? Who knows. Does it hurt? Every second. I can't be alone without breaking down into tears.
The feeling of finally feeling whole and unbroken has disolved. I think it was just illusion to begin with. I think I am destined to be a lonely, broken woman. My bug doesn't need to see me that way all the time. I need to her to be happy, healthy and whole. I don't want my life to be hers. I want so much for her but I can't be there.
So thanks to the people I talked to that I thought I could trust because someone else told me they could be trusted.
Everyone can just forget me. No, I won't be fine. Nothing wil ever be okay again. 3月31日 The wish of a child
I have to admit ... my girl is just precious. Yeah I’m biased but she has a wish that I know she thinks of alot. Probably more than I realize. She wants Jay to come home from the Army. She misses him as much as I do. She tells me sometimes when it’s bedtime that she wishes he were here, that she loves him and misses him. The look on her face is enough to make me want to cry. I tell her he’s at work like Daddy was at work. But what worked for a 3 year old does not work now that she’s 7. She doesn’t want to be a soldier like her mommy and Jay, or like her dad was, because she doesn’t want to go to war. I may not like the fact that my best friend is there (I’m being selfish for so many reasons) but he knew what he was getting into and I give him my full support. I am very proud of him. So is Kira but that doesn’t make her not wish he was here. She misses getting wrestled with or tickled or flung around on the couch at the station. I miss seeing them play together because sometimes Jay was just a little kid inside an adult body. So, I too wish that Jay was here. I miss him and even though the firehouse is full, it’s still kinda empty without him. His presence is always larger than life and usually that was enough. The times I miss him the most? Everyday. When I have something to tell him or I just want someone to cheer me up. So, Kira’s wish for Jay is that he comes home from the Army. My wish? That he comes home safely in whatever manner he was intended to. |
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
